Worst Controller, The Follow Up

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Some of you think I unfairly called the Nintendo 64 the worst controller, and I do confess that there are worse game console controllers out there. It was really more of the biggest controller let down because, let’s face it, the Super Nintendo controller was so on the money, but Nintendo took a sad step back.

Here’s the earlier post in case you missed it.

If you glance down into the annals of console and computer gaming history, you will find far worse controllers. You will find controllers that make the word control a joke. You will see controllers that take the word control completely out so all you’re left with is ler.

And what’s a ler?

So here is the confession and then some of my opinions on some of the other worst controllers… There are a lot out there, especially for the early systems that no one has ever heard of. I’m going to try to cover a few you might have heard of.

 

Power Glove

Nintendo

Wow! So I’m going to be able to punch in Mike Tyson’s Punch Out? No? Well… I’ll be able to make Mario jump with my fingers! No? Well, then wtf is the point of this? We still don’t know. What we do know is that it seemed cooler in The Wizard, which was basically a long Nintendo commercial for it. Even today, you can find the power glove make appearances in episodes at purepwnage.com. It gets points for nostalgia badness.

Wiimote Batarang

Wii

I just said that the Wiimote and Nunchuck made the best controller ever. Now I’m going to say there are some things that the Wiimote just should not be combined with. The two obvious questions are: 1) Why? and 2) What? I honestly don’t have the best answers for either. Apparently it makes the Wiimote more Batmanesque. You put the Wiimote in the piece of plastic and… voi la! It becomes a Wiimote in a Batman-like piece of plastic. I know it sounds like it would give the Wiimote boomerange qualities, but please, don’t throw it (at least not with the Wiimote inside- otherwise, throw it in the trash).

Atari 2600 Joy Stick

Atari 2600

Oh, no you didn’t go there. Oh, yes I did. This was my first gaming system, so I hesitate to bad mouth it, and yet I must. I still have my Atari 2600, but not with original joysticks (bought some from Strange Maine in Portland, ME). That’s my main point. They broke. The sticks would often come off leaving no stick and no joy behind either. Sometimes just the casing on the stick came off leaving this narrow white plastic thing that would be near impossible to use before it snapped off later.

Xbox Original Controller

Xbox

As I admitted in my last controller post, I have small hands. Still, there is no excuse for a controller specifically made for large apes with ninja dexterity only. What about the small apes with ninja dexterity, and more importantly, what about me? Make everything really rounded and spaced far apart so it looks like I’m trying to hold a fish when I’m trying to game. Why are the analog controllers located in different places on each side? I know that symmetry is bad composition, but this is a controller, not a painting class. And why are there a couple of tiny buttons with the big regular buttons? Did they take notes from the N64 controller? While we’re on that thread, expansion packs are bad and pointless. If it needs to exist for the console, put it in the console, or make it in the controller.

Sega Saturn 3d Controller

Sega Saturn

Not that anyone had a Sega Saturn anyways, but OMG. I complained about the big, awkwardness of both “>N64 controllers and Xbox‘s, but really, this is so far beyond either of those. Thank whatever deities that this isn’t what came with the system, especially since it didn’t work with all Saturn games. Yes, I’m serious. You had to have the privilege in have this controller supported for your game.

Gamecube Controller

Gamecube

On one hand, it’s not as bad as the N64. On the other hand, you’d think Nintendo would learn from its mistakes. Be thankful they got rid of the phallic symbol in the middle but, they added some weird, odd shaped buttons of different sizes and colors. How hard can we make it for you to use a button? Try using a controller with elongated, rounded rectangles and you’ll find out.

I’m not saying there aren’t other bad controllers out there. As long as video games exist, there will be poor designs implemented to control them. I also should say that I think that even my favorite controllers could be better. I won’t be completely satisfied until virtual reality anyways! And even then… let’s face it. There’s always room for improvement.

  • SteveJ

    I thought the GC controller was an odd duck too, I actually avoided the system because I didn’t want another N64-like adjustment period. I think it was a good lesson for nintendo though: You can’t keep adding buttons and avoiding the SNES design and make it work. They kept trying new stuff though, and we eventually ended up with the wiimote, which is at least cool, if not the most precise of controllers.

    I would have never learned the N64 controller if it wasn’t for goldeneye. The N64 controller is one of the only ones I’ve seen where there’s 3 or 4 different ways to grip it.

    I play alot of Smash Bros though and my buddy who can challenge me still brings his wavebird to play. Most of the “pros” swear by it as well. So once you got used to it I guess it was ok.

  • Ah, yes. Goldeneye. This was one of two games I played on N64 with groups of people. Smash Bros is of course the second. I never understood the Goldeneye thing- it was just another FPS. Smash Bros is another story. I will get it for the Wii at some point. It’s a very fun game.

  • SteveJ

    I lost entire days to Goldeneye in college. Get into a round robin setting with 5 or 6 dudes and the next thing you know it’s nighttime and you’re starving. Goldeneye was hugely successful for these reasons:

    1) It was on a console. A cheap one at that. I picked up N64, 4 crappy controllers, and 5 games including Goldeneye for a $100 in 1999.

    2) Splitscreen 4 person multiplayer. Sure you were working with a postage stamp, but as fun as Quake was it certainly adds to the appeal when you can mock someone with words and gestures and see their reaction.

    3) Precision aiming, including headshots. If it had been a doom style just pray and spray it wouldn’t have been nearly as fun.

    Add in good maps and pretty balanced weapons and it was just an extremely well rounded game.

    I was happy to ditch it for Smash Brothers though. Nonexistent learning curve, variety of popular characters and moves, and a whole screen to work with? Genius. It was interesting too, my group more or less gravitated towards their own character and a few achieved mastery. We’d have epic brawls with Link, Kirby, Ness, and Samus and we always played Stock so it would last as long as it needed to.

    I play SSB Brawl before my league basketball games, it gets my mind right.