Things I Learned Yesterday


Sometimes I think in the style of Carl Franklin who does a bit on Mondays called “Things I have learned this week.” Some days I don’t need to make a thing up for any comedic reason, as life just sometimes manages to be way more unbelievable than anything I’d dare to make up.

These days are far more educational than I expected.

Since yesterday I have learned…

In the sovereign nation known as Rhode Island there are two acceptable spellings for the word train that have two distinct definitions. I learned this at the Amtrak station waiting for my train as I watched red, digital lettering scroll by…

“All trains are running on or near schedule…”

This, as a Massachusetts native spelling and meaning I am familiar with.

“…please do not enter or exit any moving trians.”

I watched this about twelve times wishing my camera wasn’t packed securely away as it was the sort of failblog submission that would make it to a post.

But I don’t want to be racist in saying that it’s a fail to have culture where trians is an acceptable spelling of train. In Rhode Island culture, when one refers to the act of jumping out of one, you spell it trian. It’s a cultural distinction, since in Rhode Island they have a jumping out of and entering moving trains issue that plagues their population.


I have learned…

The best way to advertise a maker of cell phones and other electronics in New York City is to wear large, black afros even if, especially if, one is a young Caucasian female. Add blue long coats to the ensemble and that just makes me want to buy their technology so much it hurts.

I thought this was weird until I looked online and learned that this is similar to an event last year where they dressed people in blue hair and white button down coats. This is a tried and true technique of advertising apparently, and I guess its working because I’m blogging about it. Now, what product were they advertising exactly?

I have learned…

Don’t stand so close to the grates in New York city or you will be forced to ask the question: “Oh, dear god, what is that SMELL!?” and prey that you never actually get an answer.

I have learned…


That some guy in Brooklyn was way too busy playing with Jills boobs to notice. I’ve heard some funny things walking by people while they’re talking, but this is the first time I’ve been so educated.

There are all kinds of information we learn from this statement:

1. Jill has some amazing super power boobs that can completely hypnotize men. The alternative to this is that this guy has an inability to do things like walk and chew gum, it’s a wonder he remembered to breathe with her boobs present.

2. Something worthwhile was to be noticed. It was worth while and amazing enough that this friend must have been “What!? OMG!! Didn’t you notice…?” even though he was obviously having a great time with Jill nearby. What this worthwhile event was, we can only imagine, but we know it was big, and that friend thought it was bigger than Jill’s boobs.

3. Jill probably didn’t let him play with his boobs. Let’s face it, if he’s the kind of guy to make a statement like that, this guy also may be the type to use hyperbole to make a point, or maybe even stretch the truth. While this is something I have not learned for certain, I greatly suspect that the truth may have been something like “Too busy mentally playing with her boobs from across the room when she wasn’t looking”.


I have learned…

The end of the universe is in New York City, specificly near Times Square in Manhattan. Not only is there a Starbucks across from a Starbucks, there are many Starbucks across from Starbucks. I bet if you mapped the Starbucks, they would make a significant shape of some kind that would tell us more about the order and nature of the universe we live in.

So I googled it. Here is what I learned: In Times Square, there’s one Starbucks for every .04 square miles. There are SIXTY-TWO Starbucks in the Times Square area… I’m talking easy walking distance from each other. They don’t want you to discover the mystery of the pattern so they only will put up to nine on the map at one time.

They’re tricky like that.

And that is what I learned yesterday.

Bodies – Chapter 1: Life and Death

I saw The Bodies exhibit today, visiting New York City. It was inspirational in a lot of ways.

– – – – –

I could only stare at her as she lay somewhere between life and death. The green light conducted a series of continuous, monotonous pings which told that technically she was with the living. Seeing the pallid, paper skin, my eyes told me otherwise. A poor, trapped soul in a lifeless husk. I imagined for a second what it would be like to be trapped in that cold prison. I shivered involuntarily, empathic pity welling through me. My god, how could they let her stay like that…

* * *

“Are you saying that you support pulling the plug on patients?” inquired Phil, one of the med students from the neighboring university, both mortified and intrigued. I sighed. I wasn’t what I meant, but I guess it was true. Typical. How could I expect to get through to a third year med student about empathy?

“Just forget I ever said anything,” I said with a tinge of annoyance, but mostly disappointment.

“Hey, whatever Silvie, just trying to start up a conversation,” replied Phil defensively. I knew he didn’t understand what he’d said wrong, but I let it go. I really didn’t expect him understand feeling the emotions of people, or lack there of in the case of the girl. The sweet, cherry blossom teenage girl with the slight frame and speckled pallid skin, with the dark hair that reminded me of innocence gone with adolescent promiscuity. Angelic little demon of living death, whatever could possess your soul to stay nestled in your inactive frame?

“What is the case with that girl,” I ventured curiously, “Why doesn’t her family pull the plug? What happened to her?”

“Hm,” Phil smiled slightly, “Well, that’s the funny thing. There is no plug to pull. She just stays like that. Even when we found her she should have been dead from dehydration, but she wasn’t. She still clung on somehow. Of course, they do have her on an IV, but to tell you the truth, I’m not sure she needs it. And as for her family,” Phil swallowed and grinned, “there’s only an older brother, and he’s either just not stepping forward, or he’s long dead.”

I couldn’t help but wonder what gave people like that the thrill in telling people’s tragic tales like fairy tale fiction. Emotions, Phil wouldn’t understand, but a girl who could live without food or water, that was certainly the type of thing Phil would believe. But, I didn’t say anything. Again, I knew that it would be useless arguing the point with Phil, so I told him goodbye and headed down the steps outside the hospital I regularly volunteered at.

And with the steps away from the distance fading hospital I found that my thoughts of the girl did not fade.

* * *

So, this is the new store Karen was telling about, I thought. It looked quaint enough, not the occultish looking place I was expecting- probably becuase it was in the mall. Somehow the lack of scary mysticism made me happy. The place was simply called “Andorra’s”. I opened the ringing door and stepped right in. The inside was almost as simple as the out. That actually almost made it more eerie than the scary occult shoppes of back-water Lassington and industrious, smog-ridden Worner.

Natural wood walls with stained shelves, neatly arraged with bottles and books, a display of handipped candles, tools tucked away on either side of the room on the floor, and a cushioned, round seat at the back wall under a blank wall surrounded by neat piles of books lay half cluttered about the store. A white-haired woman sat crossleged. She put down the book she was reading and smiled. You could tell her personality was a smiling one. She glowed with a white, gold, and silver laced aura. There was a quiet confidence about her with wisdom in those faint blue eyes.

I felt like I had just gone home.

* * *

“Why don’t you go home, Silvie. You seem like you could use some rest,” said Bonnie, one of the nurses. She didn’t reprimand, but seemed genuinely concerned. Her round face smiled in a serene way that often soothed patients. She had caught me staring off again while I was supposed to be busily handing out fruit cups and fruit-flavored gelatin.

“Oh, I’m fine. I’m just a bit distracted,” I said moving off down to the next patient.

“Uh, huh,” she stood in front of me blocking me with her wide frame and crossed arms, attitude demanding an explanation. I slid the metal tray down onto the foot of an unoccupied bed and sat next to it. I knew Bonnie thought it was her job to cure the ills of all the world, patients and people alike.

“Do you know the girl in room 358? The one they found in a coma?”

“Why, yes,” Bonnie jiggled in recollection, bringing her hand to her face, “You were with her last week. Phil mentioned that I shouldn’t put you with her again.”

“Oh, did he?” I asked suddenly angry.

“He was just concerned about you, is all. He said seeing her made you really upset.”

That was defiantly Phil’s prescription for emotions. If something made you feel something other than happy, it was best to cut it off.

“It looks like he was right,” Bonnie continued, “I can understand that. I read to her on my breaks. It’s tragic. They just don’t know what happened to her and there’s no one to come forward and shed light on the situation. I know there are lonely people in this world, but still, not even a friend or coworker has come to see her.”

“Do they know who she is?”

Bonnie sat next to me, shifting the tray of gelatin and making it wobble, “No. No, they don’t. There’s no clue on her body either. She wasn’t beaten or anything.”

“Then why would she go into a coma?”

“Emotional trauma is the doctor’s best guess,” Bonnie shook her head, “It’s amazing what the mind can do to the body.”

We sat there on the bed together a moment thinking. Bonnie’s pager beeped. She went to dash off but gave me one last smile,

“Why don’t you go on over and see her, Silvie? Read to her or something.”

– – – – –

Reading is good for you I hear. Goodnight, people.