Fate fell on its face
and plunged through
to the other place
where old overcame the new.
A moment in time stretched
and staggered into infinity
condensed reality from farfetched
until only a small part of me.
I can cherish or deny,
but it doesn’t change what’s real,
love gained and lost changed inside
even if his wasn’t the same to feel.
Backwards reeling, plunged forward,
steps taken, and lessons learned
toll mistaken, running away and toward.
Is it enough to have yearned?
I know, a blog post about blogging is kind of the saddest of the sad as far as topics go at a glance.
Yet, I have a specific topic I want to bring up. I’ve had this blog for a couple years now. I have no problems posting about the people in my life (as long as I don’t reveal their name). I have no problems with the people I know reading it. It’s actually created some cool dialogues with people. I’m not ashamed of anything I put on here.
The thing I want to bring up actually has nothing to do with my blog. It has more to do with the fact I found someone else’s personal blog- the person who I’m dating. I know the handle he uses in video games and the like, so I google searched it with a few key words, a few sites clicked, and there it was.
Maybe about three quarters of the way through reading all of the posts I start to feel guilty. Is it right for me to be reading this stuff? It’s on the internet, sure, but he didn’t give me the link or anything. Then I start to think maybe he’ll be upset when I tell him I found it (I mean, was I supposed to?).
The posts end a short time after we meet- so there’s nothing too recent. It was on the internet, so it’s not like rifling through someones’ sock drawer, but I wonder if he’ll take it that way..?
Update:
So, surprise, I told the boy I found his blog. I was worried he’d be weirded out by the fact I googled his handle, or worse, would view it as an invasion of privacy.
What I didn’t expect is for him to initially be defensive, as if he was expecting me to go after him for the content.
I don’t expect him to apologize for his honest journaling about his journey to self-improvement. ::looks around the blog:: I mean, after all… I think he expected me to find issue with some of the content of his self-improvement regiment which included learning to talk to, pick up, and date women. I’m not going to fault him for that stuff. I’ve posted about how hard it is to communicate and connect with people and my failed attempts at breaking down those walls.
…as well as posting about me avoiding dating all together like the bubonic plague. We all deal with bad breakups in our own way. I’m not embarrassed or regretful about anything I’ve posted, I would be a hypocrite to try to make him feel that way.
I don’t know what this door I’ve opened means. I’m not going to grill him on anything, but I do have questions. There’s a lot of terminology he uses specific to this ‘learning-to-get-women’ class/group he was in. My instinct is to be, “Damn, was that used on me?” But then, he met me at jiu-jitsu- sweaty, nasty, with a thick cotton gi hiding my curves. So, no, I don’t think I was picked up all text-book style. I wasn’t part of some class experiment… I don’t think at least. Even if I initially was, we get on well. What does it matter? It’s just kind of weird to read about it from the other side.
Another funny thing- he mentioned he was using tarot card reading as a romantic ice-breaking sort of thing. Guess what I brought over his house my first time over? Yeah, I brought my tarot cards. I bet he wasn’t expecting those tables to be turned. Ha.
This whole thing brings up a lot of points for me- that we still have a lot to learn about each other, and strangely (after reading) we have a lot more in common than maybe we know yet. It looks like we were going through some of the same bad times and started turning our lives around in a similar time frame, only to meet after we’d started to get our respective shit together.
Joining jiu-jitsu was part of our self-improvement/goals regiment- separately, but there we met.
Life and its sense of humor know no ends.
And speaking of turning tables, my blog is easy enough to find.
Sometimes I think in the style of Carl Franklin who does a bit on Mondays called “Things I have learned this week.” Some days I don’t need to make a thing up for any comedic reason, as life just sometimes manages to be way more unbelievable than anything I’d dare to make up.
These days are far more educational than I expected.
Since yesterday I have learned…
In the sovereign nation known as Rhode Island there are two acceptable spellings for the word train that have two distinct definitions. I learned this at the Amtrak station waiting for my train as I watched red, digital lettering scroll by…
“All trains are running on or near schedule…”
This, as a Massachusetts native spelling and meaning I am familiar with.
“…please do not enter or exit any moving trians.”
I watched this about twelve times wishing my camera wasn’t packed securely away as it was the sort of failblog submission that would make it to a post.
But I don’t want to be racist in saying that it’s a fail to have culture where trians is an acceptable spelling of train. In Rhode Island culture, when one refers to the act of jumping out of one, you spell it trian. It’s a cultural distinction, since in Rhode Island they have a jumping out of and entering moving trains issue that plagues their population.
I have learned…
The best way to advertise a maker of cell phones and other electronics in New York City is to wear large, black afros even if, especially if, one is a young Caucasian female. Add blue long coats to the ensemble and that just makes me want to buy their technology so much it hurts.
I thought this was weird until I looked online and learned that this is similar to an event last year where they dressed people in blue hair and white button down coats. This is a tried and true technique of advertising apparently, and I guess its working because I’m blogging about it. Now, what product were they advertising exactly?
I have learned…
Don’t stand so close to the grates in New York city or you will be forced to ask the question: “Oh, dear god, what is that SMELL!?” and prey that you never actually get an answer.
I have learned…
That some guy in Brooklyn was way too busy playing with Jills boobs to notice. I’ve heard some funny things walking by people while they’re talking, but this is the first time I’ve been so educated.
There are all kinds of information we learn from this statement:
1. Jill has some amazing super power boobs that can completely hypnotize men. The alternative to this is that this guy has an inability to do things like walk and chew gum, it’s a wonder he remembered to breathe with her boobs present.
2. Something worthwhile was to be noticed. It was worth while and amazing enough that this friend must have been “What!? OMG!! Didn’t you notice…?” even though he was obviously having a great time with Jill nearby. What this worthwhile event was, we can only imagine, but we know it was big, and that friend thought it was bigger than Jill’s boobs.
3. Jill probably didn’t let him play with his boobs. Let’s face it, if he’s the kind of guy to make a statement like that, this guy also may be the type to use hyperbole to make a point, or maybe even stretch the truth. While this is something I have not learned for certain, I greatly suspect that the truth may have been something like “Too busy mentally playing with her boobs from across the room when she wasn’t looking”.
I have learned…
The end of the universe is in New York City, specificly near Times Square in Manhattan. Not only is there a Starbucks across from a Starbucks, there are many Starbucks across from Starbucks. I bet if you mapped the Starbucks, they would make a significant shape of some kind that would tell us more about the order and nature of the universe we live in.
So I googled it. Here is what I learned: In Times Square, there’s one Starbucks for every .04 square miles. There are SIXTY-TWO Starbucks in the Times Square area… I’m talking easy walking distance from each other. They don’t want you to discover the mystery of the pattern so they only will put up to nine on the map at one time.
They’re tricky like that.
And that is what I learned yesterday.
On one of my last posts: No, I’m Still Not Dating Anyone, Thanks For Asking, one of my readership said in the comments: “…you attract people to you that will teach you lessons.”
I like this idea. It’s optimistic. It’s saying that all of the bad relationships, as much as I feel like they broke me down, were maybe really allowing me to build myself back up into something stronger.
The opposite is probably also true: that we are drawn to people that have something to teach us. What is it that draws you to a person and why? Those answers might be more important than ever pursuing an actual relationship. I’d like to think there is some actual purpose to crush.
Crushes fade in as you meet someone and fade out often as you get to know a person. I’m sure some of these things that make up the small obsessions we call crushes are just intangible whims, shallow attraction, or simply pheromones, but some of them probably have a great deal to tell us about ourselves. Even shallow attraction teaches us something the moment it goes from attraction to repulsion.
Crushes are terrible and wonderful in some very different ways than an actual relationship. They are these weird partially imagined relationships we carry out mostly in our minds, imagined moments, made up memories, and why, why not, and what if? Those are fine and good to an extent, but I can become concerned at the barriers they put up, real and imagined. There’s a line I can cross when I start to get to know and like someone. Interaction suddenly goes from easy conversation and laughter to strained, worried, calculated longing. It swings back and forth like a pendulum that I’m trying to stop somehow even though I’m on top of it.
I wonder if I ruin the potential relationships and friendships sometimes in the actions of a crush. I know I’m not the only one who becomes dumber, flakier, less confident, and not so good with words all the sudden. I wish I could get over the crush so I could get on with a friendship, get to know a person better, and move on if there is nothing really there (which there likely isn’t anyways). It’s easier said than done.
This post’s screen shot is brought to you by Final Fantasy VI, Game Boy Advanced version. My name twin is being hit on by Setzer after being kidnapped and thrown into a room on his airship. What a romantic!
Twenty things I have learned from Final Fantasy 6 that are invaluable to life and living:
1. No matter how odd or unlikely it may seem, there is ALWAYS an elixer in the clock.
2. Never be the first person to be involved with testing a new technology. Just look at Kefka.
3. You can’t take the water from magical healing springs… unless you have a certain bucket in which case you can never move that bucket after setting it down. Ever.
4. Magic works better on invisible things. You can’t hit invisible things by normal means, even if they are perfectly still and you know exactly where they are.
5. A lone wolf may say he’s just a pickpocket, but he will go after your cute buddies if set free… cute buddies that don’t fit in your pocket. Lone wolf is obviously confused.
6. No matter how many times something is re released and uncensored, they will find something new to censor.
7. There are thieves and there are treasure hunters and there is a HUGE difference between them.
8. Sprinting is the only way to travel on foot.
9. John Locke’s stuff about tabula rasa is true where love is concerned at least
10. People with eye patches don’t tell the truth.
11. If you ever are in need of a lift, find a forest to stand in the middle of.
12. Air ships are the only way for seriously ambitious people to travel.
13. Suicide isn’t the answer, but a good attempt might bring you some.
14. Don’t eat slow fish.
15. Travel in fours.
16. Tackle hard stuff in three groups of four.
17. A picture is worth at least a good fight.
18. Redecorating is a BAD idea when it comes to magic statues.
19. Copying and sexual ambiguity are not only acceptable, but powerful.
20. If he has a dog, he can’t be all that bad.
This post is brought to you by Bubble Bobble for the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES). When programmers run out of ideas (and inside jokes) for levels, they can always use that itself for inspiration.
Remember when growing up you were told that there were no dumb questions?
At some point we stop asking. We stop because to admit that you don’t already know makes you look ignorant and stupid. Even if we don’t care what other people think, we stop because the people we ask treat us like we’re dumb.
I propose again, as we learned when we were still in Kindergarten, there are no dumb questions. If you are really trying to learn, you have to find out somehow. We can read and read and read (Wikipedia), but books and online articles are incapable of human thinking. We sometimes need someone to give us a point of view, rearrange our thinking, and make things make sense. Maybe we just need to hear that we are on the right track. Or perhaps we need to hear that we’re not even asking the right questions. And yes, *everyone* misses the obvious at some point in their life. That includes you.
I have always thought, since I thought to wonder about it, that life is a big learning experience. Why else would we be born knowing nothing but basic instinct with an infinite capability to learn? Why if that was not what we were meant to do?
I wonder if when you ask someone and they give you a snarky response, it’s due to their own issues with their own quest for knowledge. “Well, no one would tell me, so why should I hep you?”. People often take their own insecurities out on others. So, if they have answers and don’t want to share, it’s because no one would help them. Maybe they like having the knowledge and power and it feels better to keep it to themselves. If they don’t have answers, they don’t want to admit it and show their own short comings. So they will answer with a huff, and a puff, and a ‘I don’t know, but hell if I’m going to tell you that!”
So, we’re conditioned to not ask. In being conditioned not to ask, we don’t find answers. Not asking these dumb questions breeds ignorance.
If someone is brave enough to ask me, I hope that I am always brave enough to answer honestly and openly. I hope I will always admit when I don’t know and give information even when I don’t feel like giving up my secrets or taking the time to explain. I’ve always tried to be there and do this for my younger siblings. As the world is fast teaching them about dumb questions, I counter that with an offer: “You can always ask me.”