Tag Archives: honesty

Laundry List to Take Out to Dry

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Maybe when I was spending all that time avoiding dating, maybe I should have spent that time figuring out how to prevent the worst things from happening when I went to date again.

In general, I like me more when I’m not with someone else, and I have to figure out why.

I question myself more.
I defer to their opinions, let them win arguments for the sake of keeping peace, say I’m sorry when I should hold my ground (and hold my ground when I should let it go and change the subject), and think things are my fault when they aren’t or it’s not important.

I think about the other person too much.
At any time I am acutely aware of what they want and what I can get from them. I become a little obsessed, wanting to know everything about their thoughts, day, past, etc.

I go into hopeless story-book romantic mode.
My soft center under the hard shell starts to show, which is okay, but it’s too much. I start to trust and idealize the other person too much, opening up myself to being hurt easier. I start to have a hard time seeing myself without that person.

I start to lose a strong sense of self.
In deferring some of my opinions and identity to the other person, I become passive pre-feminism Cindy who constantly wonders what he might want.

I become afraid to be honest.
Normally I’m blunt and crass. I’ll still be honest, but I’ll be less sure about it. I’ll suddenly wonder about potential consequences that normally me and my life code don’t give a rats ass about. I start to fear what fully disclosing some of the crazy, negative, unstable thoughts I sometimes have. The temptation to hide my flaws and pretend I’m more normal than I am suddenly occurs to me when I’m normally not a self-conscious person.

I expect to spend more time with the other person than I should.
When I’m with the other person, I try to get too much out of each moment with them. I can follow the person around, touch a lot, become clingy. I constantly want to do things for the person and set my own stuff aside in anticipation of spending more time with them or doing something for them. I begin to spend less time with friends.

Okay, now that I have some things I’ve identified about the past, how can I turn that into things I need to make sure I do?

Don’t question the person you put forward.
This is the same person that a guy initially saw something interesting and good about. Whatever it is about you that made them want you was real. If they don’t still see it after they get to know you better, then it’s okay. Turns out you aren’t for each other and things have naturally run their course. Not everyone you date is potentially someone you’re supposed to be with or be with for a long time. If they potentially are that person, you don’t have a lot of control over that manifesting. You can’t force what isn’t right, and changing yourself to fit better will not lead to any kind of happiness. Keep your identity and remember how awesome you are even with the flawed, human bits. If they can’t handle you on a bad day, it’s doomed anyways. We all have bad days. You don’t need to be constantly proving yourself as worthy of their respect.

Your opinions are as valid as theirs.
Maybe they are even more so because they are yours. You don’t need to agree on everything to be with someone. You date geeks. Geeks like to argue and be right. Still, two people should be able to respect each other’s views enough not to argue a lot, or not to let a discussion get out of hand.

Don’t blame yourself.
It’s probably not all of your fault, if placing blame is even worth it. Move past whatever it is rather than wasting time on arguments, hurts, and negativity. If you start to see a pattern you don’t like, address it calmly. If you can’t live with it, let it end things rather than caving. Focus on your own needs, after all, you are number one. They should also be that to themselves. If they are strong enough to be with you, they will make their wants and needs known calmly and reasonably while standing on their own.

You don’t need to know everything.
Yeah, this person must be cool if you’re with them. Knowing everything won’t make them more cool. What are you looking for exactly? Are you trying to read the future? Let things happen at a normal pace and get to know them as they open up to you, not as you pry at them. Intense doesn’t equal better always. There’s no need to cling on, as it might take away from the specialness of an intimate moment.

Embrace that you don’t know how long the good times will last.
All good things come to an end. Life ends. Make sure you’re still there to find something else after it is. I’m not saying plan for it to be short, but plan to be able to exist beyond this.

Don’t lose your friends.
Make plans with the friends. Invite him, but if he’s not up for it, still go. Don’t cancel plans for him unless it’s an emergency, rare occasion, or you really don’t want to go out. If he hates a friend of yours, tough noogies. If he makes you feel bad for your friends or for going out with them, it’s a clearly marked warning sign.

Do more self-full acts than selfless.
You like taking care of people. You’re a big-sister at heart and a motherly type. That’s okay to a degree. You need to work on yourself first, and if that’s going well, feel free to give some of the extra to the person you care about. If you suffer, you both suffer. You’re not actually mom. You still need to come first.

And with that pep-talk I feel a little better. If I draw these things into the open for myself, it makes it that much harder to go into bad habits.

Child’s Chance to Choice

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A few of my bloggin’ buddies have been posting their “Code’s of Life” lately, namely one Rory Blyth and Tao Cowboy. It’s enough to make one want to join the philosophizing and reflecting party (woo!).

Moonglow Ultima 4Mostly my views have grown and changed as I’ve wandered through life. I’ve never been one for holding onto an idea once it’s proven not to work for me. One thing that’s remained a constant is importance placed on honesty. Being true to oneself and others to me is as big as the inhabitants of Moonglow in the world of Britannia (screen shot from Ultima IV).

Honesty might have been even more important to me growing up. Let’s face it, most adults are anything but honest with children. I’m not talking about Santa Clause, I’m talking about the lies designed to protect us. I resented that kind of dishonesty as much as the malicious kind. Whether or not we as adults want to admit it, the effect can be as, if not more, devastating than any truth told. Kids will find out the truth later when they grow into adulthood, or more likely, much sooner than you’d like. When this lie is told the truth can be found in an embarrassing, painful, or even dangerous manner. One of my first thoughts goes to my mom who had my older brother when she was fifteen. I know the people in her life thought they were protecting her by keeping her ignorant about the birds and the bees, but really what they did is deprive her of a choice.

People think children aren’t old enough to make choices, and perhaps no one is. However, in life we are forced to make choices that we are no prepared to. This happens all the time. I hope that if I have children I’ll do everything I can to give them the ammunition to make choices wisely when life forces them to. Above all, I hope they don’t have to make tough calls, but they will. We can’t be there every second to chose for them, and knowledge is power.

Victor and DeannaI hope this for my younger siblings, one who just had her last day of high school, the other who is in his preteen years. I know that I am a big influence in their lives and that they are listening to me and looking to me for influence, even when they are pretending or trying not to. We learn from our surroundings, especially the things we give credence to. I might just be another person, but I’m also a role model and example whether or not I want to be.

I believe in the power of honesty and I believe in the power of learning, and to me they are one in the same. If you’re smart enough to ask the question, you deserve honest input, even if (and especially) the answer isn’t certain. There I think is the key to personal growth and betterment in this life.

My younger of my siblings is eleven. People have described him as a smartass and too smart for his own good. It’s true. I remember being described that way when I was his age. I remember being eleven and all the things I knew and was dealing with that my parents didn’t know. It’s hard to look at him and think that he might have some of the same heavy issues in his own life. It’s hard to look at him and consider he might have even harder decisions to make than I did. I know he’ll learn things from other sources, popular culture and his peers. I know he might absorb all the wrong things if I don’t speak up and even more, listen. I know I can’t learn for him and he will have to make his own mistakes, but I hope they are harmless and few. I listen and when he asks, I try to give him the best, most honest answer I can give. I’m trying to give him a fighting chance to make the right decisions. Without real information about the world around him, how is he going to have chance?

Beyond that, I want to teach him the value of honesty with my own example. He will become his own person regardless. He’ll find his own life code and values. He’ll have his own obstacles and choices. Even if I don’t see it, I know he has them right now. Every day he’s forming new opinions, testing the waters, and becoming more independent. I’ll always be here to tell him truthfully what I think and I hope one day he will return the favor by doing the same for others well into adulthood.

As for my sister, who is just like me and just the opposite of me in so many ways, I’m proud of her. Sure, she doesn’t hold dear all of the same things that I do, and she’s made a million choices I would never have. All the same, she’s doing better than okay. She’s reached the official United States definition of adulthood: eighteen. She has her High School Diploma. She is attending Anna Maria college in the fall. She works. She has a ton of friends. She’s a great cook and musician. She’s made it. She’s is doing well. I know I can’t take credit for the person she’s become, but I still like to think that I did okay in my part in her upbringing. I was right to trust her to hear all I had to say and make all the tough choices she’s had to up to this point. Life is not easy, and making it this far doing well and no small accomplishment.

Doubly Singular

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Soul Blazer crab walking

This post’s image is brought to you by the Enix game Soul Blazer for the SNES. On one hand, this may be an introduction to a tutorial. On the other hand, it might be a pickup line.

I enjoy being single. The world is, in general, a much simpler and happy place when you’re dealing with a single point of view. It’s a bit harder to argue with yourself. I’m not much in the habit of betraying myself. And when I screw up, no one is there to tell me so or rub it in except me. I’m hard enough on myself, so it’s a bit of a relief to not have double the guilt.

I’ve seen enough people cringe when I go on like that. I know approximately what they’re thinking. “Wow. That’s a pretty jaded viewpoint. What about all the good stuff?”

I used to have good answers to this sort of cynicism. I used terms like “…when I find my soul mate…” as opposed to, “…if something close to this even exists…”. I used to believe that love could be enough to make any relationship work if you worked at it hard enough.

But, really, it doesn’t work that way. People suck. A person will expect you to work at the relationship while simultaneously looking over their shoulder for something better, making you feel like you’re doing something wrong, and not feeling even remotely obligated to meet you half way on anything.

The two ways of dealing with someone when they try to make you meet them half way on anything:

1. Argue.

2. Agree without even listening to what you’re agreeing to.

I prefer people that will argue over those who will ‘yup’ you. “Yes, honey” makes me want to impale peeps and marshmallow bunnies on knives while pretending they’re real. You at least can be sure the argumentative ones are being honest about what they think and feel with you. They trust you enough to expose their own opinions and feelings. Unfortunately, they also usually think their thoughts are automatically more qualified than anyone else’s. It’s not that they think they’re always right, it’s that you’re always at least more wrong than they are (if you are performing the great sacrilege of having a different point of view).

To these people, being wrong is a significant event that determines one’s mental capacity. Proving someone wrong and making them feel stupid for it go hand in hand. Nothing says “I love you.” more than, “You moron, you got that movie quote wrong.”

Even though I like being single, I will admit that finding that ideal other person would also be wonderful. It’s something that is always at least in the back of every single person’s mind: what is your ideal like? What are you going to look for differently next time (as if we don’t chose slight variations on the same type of people over and over)?

I’m thinking that next time I will try to find someone that has the capacity to both be very honest *and* very caring. I want to find someone that will feel like they can say anything to me, but would like that person to have the ability to say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” and “I don’t agree with you, but you make a valid point.” and mean it.

I could go on to say that the idea person would be a dichotomy between a lot of things. I am someone who has always been (somehow) extremely left brained and right brained at the same time. I also have the capacity to be both over logical and over emotional. If this doesn’t make any sense, get to know me better. If this sounds frightening, it can be, so you might want to poke me with a stick through my cage a few times before getting too close.

But what is with this useless exercise? It’s the ultimate self centered thought, to pretend there is going to be someone else out there who you will find in your lifetime that matches your wants and needs more perfectly than you even understand those wants and needs.

On top of that, I’m pretending I’ll actually chose things about the person the next time my mind and body betray me and do the love suicide march once again.

I have not planned it when it’s happened. I’ll not even be looking.

So, as I continue to actively not look for someone else, I also try not to go down this silly road wrought with self-indulgent romanticism. The pessimistic blather may not be much better, but it at least supports my independence. It’s better than being a desperate romantic any day.