Tag Archives: dating

Forward Momentum

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Yes, I think about them: the caveats, pitfalls, and fears I’ve followed down the hole before. Hindsight is so much better. With it I can see the course that will lead me away from falling, but if I fail to do anything now then I miss the chance to move forward. Hindsight is only so useful.

Would I know that I was moving backwards until it was too late? I don’t know that I have a sense of my momentum, but I think that I’m moving forward. I feel wind passing by me, the air crisp, and my head clear.

Being with someone again has been great, but I am a little bit leery of this limbo that I stop and see myself in sometimes. Freeze frame, I worry and wonder if I am making the same mistakes, falling into old patterns. I have no evidence, by I am constantly, acutely aware of the past.

I’m also not used to ‘seeing’ people. The way it has always been for me: either I’m in a relationship or I’m not. I don’t know if I’m entirely comfortable here, but I also know that the self-improvement thing is about taking risks, going outside of your comfort zone, and goddamn trying. Everything tells me this is a healthy thing, to force me to learn not to rush into things.

I don’t ever want to get stuck and hung up on a person to the point of potentially losing myself. I’ve done it before. It’s been a long time since I’ve even approached a relationship, it’s been a long time since this has happened, but I’m always aware it has. As much as I’ve grown, that person who made those mistakes in the past was me, and I have to work not to make any repeat performances.

But this is already so different, will I really repeat myself that considered? What happens if I get hung up anyways in spite of myself?

At first he scared me, and now I scare me. That’s a pattern I know and I’m scrubbing it with steel wool, but who knows if the stain will come out. Why am I scared- because I like him. I like him a lot.

I’m not saying I want to be with someone I don’t like, but I’m very scared of liking someone too much. I’m afraid that one day I’m going to be used to being with him, and he suddenly will have moved on to someone else. Irrationally, I think that labeling our relationship differently (going from seeing each other to full blown relationship) will allay these fears and make them an impossibility. I know that is stupid.

So if I call this something different, is that supposed to make my hold on him tighter?

And why would I want it to be tighter? It would be tighter around me too. I like not feeling too relied on, or relying too much. It’s so much more healthy than what I’m used to. My sense of self is strong and I am on my two feet relying on just that. He is also strong, not leaning on me in any way, threatening to take me down wherever he may go.

Is this simple jealousy maybe? I don’t like the idea of him potentially seeing other people, but I constantly remind myself of the idea… not to torture myself, but to stay used to the idea. I might still want him around and he might be gone (or with someone else). That will hurt regardless, but it will hurt more if I believe it can’t happen.

Is it the idea of him being with someone else, or is it him not being with me? The fact that I’m okay with the situation tells me it’s the latter. I don’t want another girl he’s seeing to take him away from me. I don’t want to lose what I have gained.

What I need to realize that what I have gained are experiences of being with him in a positive way. People go away. I hate those facts, fickle natures and the that things end. But, they do end. People move on, including me.

I keep telling myself so I stay used to the idea of him not being around. Maybe that’s pessimistic, but pinching myself is allowing me not to get lost in a romantic dream.

I am likely making an illusion of control. He makes me happy, and to have a degree of happiness taken away, one needs to find new happiness all over again or get used to it being gone. It’s not always easy to find again. Absence can be felt strongly regardless if you were told it would come.

I hate relying on others. People suck. I hate trusting.

And that’s what it boils down to- I trust him and I don’t want to trust anyone but me. I know I’m trustworthy. I always pull through in the end.

Maybe the answer is to see even more guys, but I’m not exactly interested. Oh, sure, there are guys I flirt with, impossible people who would never put forward a foot to walk along side me. I honestly wasn’t looking to see him when it happened; he fell out of the sky.

Maybe I’m a misanthrope, because when I seriously consider the idea all I can think about is how disgusting men are (women too in all fairness, people in general, but I’m not romantically involved with women, so I say men). I could pick up guys, but I don’t actually want them. Would most men respect me for me or just want to get me in bed? I like sex as much as the next person, but I am the type of person that doesn’t need it from other people. The things I seek: actual care and respect, these things are much harder to find.

So, where the hell did he come from and how did I let him in? I’m still just asking that basic question. I wasn’t looking, but there he was. I want to hold on tight, and I want to run away. This is scary stuff.

So here I am, trying to take slow the speeding train that time and time again is how my head handles things. Slow down. Smell the flowers. Keep your base so you don’t get swept off your feet.

I am learning, even if it is at my own pace. And even with those worries below the surface, I can still make out my face staring resolutely towards my goals. I am more than okay, and this is way more that okay. It’s just my nature to worry, analyze, question, and try to anticipate any chance of a wrong foot forward. I should try not to focus on it. If I do, I might accidentally allow it to stifle the steps I take towards something new and wonderful.

Here’s to something new and wonderful- and stop worrying about it already! Life happens, and will continue regardless. Change is scary. Have the courage to face forward!

Oh Hai Neglected Blog

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Oh, hai neglected blog. What’s that? It’s the middle of March? Really… When did this happen?

So, here’s some updates is an arbitrary numerical order. This is kind of a collection of excuses for not being here writing.:

1. I started taking Brazilian Jiu-jitsu classes.

Before all of you look at me with a question mark over your heads, there’s probably more reasons I started than I could put here. At the core, it’s in line with the whole self improvement thing. The Wii Fit, though awesome, is not enough.

Also, Brazilian Jiu-jitsu is essentially live action Katamari Damacy. I’ll write more on that thought later, but essentially, your goal is to roll the other person up. Tell me that you don’t see the correlation.

It’s wicked fun.

2. So, there’s this guy…

Speaking of the Katamari, I know I was on a roll, but we all knew it had to end sometime. In proper form, it happened when I least expected it. I found the least likely kind of person in the least likely of settings. Before you think I’m totally lost, I’ll say we’re just kinda seeing each other right now and we’ll see where this goes (if anywhere).

For any of you thinking I can’t handle casually seeing someone, you could be right. It’s something I’m trying and hoping will be good for me. I want to know if I should be cautious, or throw caution to the wind in lieu of experiencing life to the fullest? I wonder if this a risk worth taking.

I know that opportunity only knocks once, so I run the risk… I promise I won’t run with scissors.

3. Man down!

Work is busy and I don’t even have moments to jot down thoughts about posts. One of my work buddies is on a leave of absence and I miss him, not just for the additional weight pulled, or the psychological comfort of him being around. Having someone you work that closely with every day just vanish all of the sudden just sucks. I miss him.

It’s busy. I’m trying to get this crap done and done well. I don’t do half-assed. So, I do the needful that needs doing and I do it well.

4. Social life – I has one.

I don’t know when this came about, but like other bloggers that have come before me have pointed out, it does interfere with writing regularly. It’s not all about item number 2. either. The social life thing has been going on for longer than item two has. My circle of friends is getting a little wider and a little stronger, and we’re stir crazy ready for Winter to end. That’s right, we’re crazy and doing crazy things. Woo. Raah.

Zombie Fluxx is crazy, right? Right?

So, enjoy your numerical excuses and I’ll catch up soon. I have a bunch of partially finished posts as usual. There are stories and ideas and characters floating in the ether as always. One day soon, some of them will materialize here. Until then, be well everyone.

No, I’m Still Not Dating Anyone, Thanks For Asking

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It will be two years come the end of this October since I have officially belonged to anyone. You’d think from the way people talk to me about it I’m supposed to be sad or upset about it or something. Well, then, here’s a big news flash.

I don’t care. Or, rather, it’s even something to celebrate.

Really, finding someone to date just is not that important to me. I have too many things that should take a bigger precedence in my life than to go out seeking something that will likely turn life topsy turvey anyways. It’s especially silly when I know it will find
me eventually anyways.

People grow concerned. They think it’s a lack of self esteem on my part, which is especially funny considering that it’s opposite. I feel like I don’t need someone else in my life. When I was dating (from two years ago until I started SOLID pretty much) it was partially from fear of being alone. It was partially feeling I needed someone to help me stand on my own two feet.

If anything, I’m a bit sad that people don’t support me in this. They don’t high-five me and say ‘good for you!’ like I think they should. Instead they worry that something is wrong with me.

It’s so funny when it’s the opposite. I’m doing better than I probably ever have been, and people worry because I’m doing it without someone pulling me on their lap or buying me dinner. If anything, maybe someone should have worried when I put too much stock into someone else.

I am not saying that I might not end up dating someone as soon as tomorrow, but I am saying I’m not looking. That’s kind of how I know it will find me.

The more whole I become, the more likely I am to attract the notice of someone else equally as whole and maybe have a healthy relationship for a change.

Should I envy the people who are with other people and are happy? There are things I miss, things that would be nice, but then for every one thing I can think of there is so much more I might be giving up if I jump into something just for the sake of jumping.

People talk about being single is being alone, and I think I felt more lonely in a lot of my relationships. There are games guys can play to keep you from your friends and being just disinterested enough to make you want them more. I’m all set. I will fight tooth and nail to stay out of that situation this time.

So maybe I’m just waiting for the right time, the time for things to be different, the improvement upon an improvement. There’s nothing wrong we being cautious. I’m not desperate, so why should I act like I am?

I’m fine being single. I’m happy to be patient as things continue to come together. Be happy for me.

Dreams: Busy Night

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It’s no wonder I don’t feel rested sometimes- and this is only the stuff I can remember!

—–

I’m dragged out of bed by my dad while I’m still sleeping. I’m so tired that I can’t hear anything for the first several minutes. Dad pushes me out the door. I have no socks or shoes on and no bra. Dad lets me buy shoes on the way to where we’re going, but not a bra. We stop at a convenience store and he goes to the clerk pay.

“Why do you need a bra? You look fine!”

Scoff.

“I don’t care how I look. I need support,” I look at the clerk, “Am I right?”

“She’s right, you know,” agrees the clerk.

I’m at a friend’s house now. She lets me borrow socks and a red bra. It’s late afternoon. There’s a hooking-up and dating BBS she wants us to try. I told her I thought of trying it once with a two mutual friends of ours, but I chickened out.

“Nevermind,” she says and goes to finish doing the dishes.

I stop her and tell her I’ll think about it. She smiles and asks me what’s different about this time. I tell her that I think it would be okay if I was with people I trust and I trust her. I also start to tell her about something that happened this past summer, but she gets excited and runs off to hurry up her house work. I’m on the fence, but if I’m with her and out mutual two friends, It’ll be fine. When the desktop PC finishes loading I dial the BBS. She logs in on her account. As we start to look through the profiles of groups of people I start to get excited. It has brief descriptions, sometimes pictures, of who they are, what they’re looking for, and interests. Finally we settle on one we both feel good about and know our friends ill be too. The group consists of Asian American 20-somethings who in general like Asian food, video games, and anime. My friend registers us as interested and describes our group. We’re given a time and place to meet today. We get ready, call our friends, and head out.

There is more than one group that was interested in the one we picked, so there is a foot-race to determine who gets the chance to meet them. I run as fast as I can and finish in a decent place, but most of my group is slow, so we lose. I’m sort of disappointed but figure we can just go back to her apartment, log in, and find another group. My friend tells me it’s too late in the day and the Board will be closed by the time we get back. I didn’t know it had hours. It’s a new thing, I’m told.

The next day I have to drive into town to attend a thing for my old high school. The event is in a very large auditorium. The people attending don’t even take up half of it. The proceedings are long and boring and I can’t pay attention. I start playing with a rubber band. I play with it simply at first, then hook it onto the ceiling and start using it to bounce and do aerobic tricks. I realize I should probably stop before someone notices. It’s with that thought, while in a back flip, I get tangled up in the rubber band. I can see how I can untangle myself, but I think the rubber band will snap. I’m worried it will fly at someone and poke their eye out. I do it and it doesn’t hit anyone. I end up spinning a bunch and get very disoriented and sick (like merry-go-round meets cliff-face vertigo). I crouch down to keep a low profile and crawl to where my old high school classmates are seated. I see a guy I used to know and go to sit by him. He helps me into my seat, probably thinking I’m drunk even though I explain. I’m suddenly reminded that I have a form that someone at this presentation has to sign to prove that I attended. I ask him if he could, give him the form, and show him which check boxes to check and where to sign. I lean over to point and he starts groping me. I push away, but my balance is still off and I stumble into the isle. He catches me, help me up (still groping), and helps me into a seat. He checks the wrong boxes on the form as blackmail. I say screw this and leave.

I have one more errand to get done today. I’m going to be early. According to an email it’s voluntary extra work day at the children’s museum I used to work at. I’m hoping to see some friendly faces and earn some brownie points- who knows- land a new job. I go to the front desk where my old supervisor is. She is busy talking to someone, but stops to introduce me. She says she’ll be right with us to start soon, but meanwhile I could fix up my finger nails. She thinks it’s important and there is a bin across the room full of nail polish. I look at my nails and they are worn at the tips- black with a clear coat of silver sparkles on top. I look through a bin with another girl who I start talking to. I tell her whose job I used to have. She says she likes my cow shaped purse. I open in and show her a cow shaped coin purse inside that says “moo-lah” on it. She says she has a friend who collects those. I tell her that I didn’t know they were collectible and I got it from my aunt on my birthday. She tells me she wishes I still worked here because I seem so nice and friendly. I thank her for the compliment and wish I had thought to grab food before I came.

While working we find a bunny outside. It’s not a wild one, but someone’s lost or abandoned pet. It’s big, tan and white in the belly and I pet it until it trusts me. Then I try to put it in a cage and it freaks out. I catch it again and put it in my truck where my cat is in his carrier.

It’s late when I get done. I’m driving on a rural road banked by trees. A large truck hauling logs comes up the road towards me and I realize he’s on the wrong side of the road. I try to go to the left, but still get hit on the right side, flipping my truck over. I’m okay. I check my bunny and cat. The cat seems fine, but my new bunny is dead. I call 911 with my cell phone and say what happened and where I am roughly. I tell them I don’t know if I’m hurt, my shoulder and knee don’t feel too good. I’m angry and say,

“That driver must have been drunk, because no one is that dumb.”

They tell me to get out of the truck and off the road. I take kitty with me. I go to take the dead bunny, but realize it doesn’t matter. The police and ambulance arrive. They drill me with questions about what happened until Mr. Gruff Driving a Logging Truck fails his breathalyser. The ambulence crew wants to put me on one of those stiff boards in case I have a neck injury. I tell them my neck is fine and I’ve been walking and bending it for twenty minutes. They still want to and I tell them no way am I getting in one of those things. Last time I was in one, I was left in one for a few hours. I saw my sister lay in one for two. My shoulder and knee hurt and it will make them hurt more. And my bunny is dead and I’m pissed. I ask the police if they think the driver will have to pay for the vet bill when I get my cat checked out. I ask them if I can sue for hurting me, my cat, and killing my bunny.