Number Numb

People forget about the concept of quality in lieu of quantity all the time. In real world practice, I see people counting and measuring with numeric metrics to measure units if life.

Lets take the 30th birthday. Why do we care? Because our system is based on units of ten. Being thirty doesn’t mean anything.

People measure the minutes of their commute. I’m sitting on the T (Boston subway) writing down thoughts for a blog post on my phone using the WordPress app. Do you care about how long or how stressful your commute is?

I’ve always thought that people can put too much faith in numbers without qualifying what those numbers might mean. I love the questions ‘what’ and ‘why’, and will always ask these more than ‘how much’ and ‘how many’.

Atari Jaguar

I’ve been watching old episodes of The Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN) lately. Most of the time his opinions are spot on. Unlike most people my age, I actually did play the Atari Jaguar. I have an uncle that until recently lived in a room in my grandparent’s basement. A grown man living in his parent’s basement with lots of expensive video games? Nooooo! Truthfully, that’s where the stereotype ends as his biggest hobby next to video games, music, TV, and movies was bicycles. That’s right, instead of sitting his fat ass down and playing too many video games, he’d sit his Lance Armstrong biking ass down and play too many video games.

Growing up, my grandparents watched me and my older brother a lot. As you can guess, we spent a lot of time down in our uncle’s room playing games. For this reason, I had a history with the Atari ST, Atari 800, etc. without being a spoiled rich kid. At home we had video games, but only because he conspired to have our family members pitch in to buy us games around the holidays. Most games were shared between me and my older brother and we never expected to get more than one. When my little brother exits the holidays with eight new Xbox360 games I think about that and resist the temptation to tell him in an old person voice, “In MY day, we only got one crappy cartridge, and we were GRATEFUL!”

When the AVGN quoted, “Where did you learn to fly,” not only did I remember that game and the annoying voice, I remembered my older brother repeating it during the car ride home, the next day, a year later, and maybe one of the last times I saw him. The Tempest game DID have great music, but I sucked at it as much as I sucked at the arcade game. I avoided that one too. Yes, I report that kids did easily figure out how to turn the gore on Kasumi Ninja. We did. You know what? It was post Mortal Kombat, and both me and my brother had seen much more gorey movies, so it was another game played a few times and tossed aside.


I have never disagreed more with the AVGN when he brought up Attack of the Killer Penguins. I had nearly forgot about that awesome game. The AVGN didn’t say it was bad, but he did say that the premise was so messed up that only someone drinking or on drugs would be into it. Yeah, or maybe a couple of crazy, nerdy kids.

Besides this game, I spent most of my time with the Jaguar playing Theme Park. This was your typical simulation game only instead of a city, an ant colony, or earth, it was a theme park. Awesome. You soon learn, however, that it isn’t easy building and managing a theme park. People are whiny, throw their garbage around, rides break, etc. I was always good at the simulation genre, but this one was tricky. Each time I played it I was like, “Okay, I’ve thought about it, and I think I know how I’m going to make this theme park really work this time!” but I never did as well with it as say SimCity.

Another game I spent some time on was Bubsy in Fractured Furry Tails. I had the Super Nintendo Bubsy and loved it. That means a lot considering I’m not a sucker for side scrollers. This Bubsy game was the same idea, but something lost in translation. It was a lot harder and for the wrong reasons. The SNES one had spot on controls and balance. This one would make you die even if you didn’t really touch an enemy. It was also just a million times less amusing and creative. My brother gave it a lot more play than I did, and I have a feeling the AVGN who seems biased for side scrollers, may have even liked it.

The other few I was surprised he didn’t touch on, and I won’t touch with a ten foot pole, is Dragon’s Lair and Space Ace. Oh, wait, I remember why he didn’t cover it. He couldn’t get the Jaguar CD add on to work. My uncle had a working one. I don’t know if he still has it or it still works today, but I guess I have the happy knowledge to know I got to touch something in classic gaming that AVGN never has. I will sit a moment in smug satisfaction. No, I could never get anywhere in those games. Even my older brother who beat Brain Dead 13 never got into them.

A game I loved to play that was missing from the review is Rayman. Yes, another side scroller that I will actually rave about. It was silly cartoony fun. The levels were varied enough with Rayman gaining different powers as time went on. The difficulty was there, but not too much, and the game play was fluid. I mean, this game looked 64-bit. It was colorful and smooth. I’ve never played the Playstation or other versions, so I’m not sure how this measures up compared to the cross platform releases first hand, but the internet tells me that the other console versions were missing areas and levels.

Lets end this on another cross platform game that deserves mention: Worms. If you didn’t know it ever was out for the Jaguar, you would probably remember the PC version. It’s silly. You’re about as likely to blow up yourself than the enemy worms. But you know what, it was fun.

You know what else is fun? I can’t even rememeber if I played this game on the Jaguar or if I’m just remembering playing it in my Uncle’s room on the PC. How is that fun? This is a point that needs to be made. The AVGN is maybe about my age, playing these games now and analyzing them now. Even if you take a great game of then and play it now, it’s flaws will be apparent. I feel lucky that I grew up with video games and I feel lucky that they grew up with me. I was able to appreciate the older games the way they were meant to be apprciated in- the context of the time. Every now and then the AVGN says, “You have to remember, this came out in a time when…” and it’s true. There was no bar, no standard, and no formula. When a mediocre or terrible game comes out now, it confuses me. There’s really no reason. We have the technology and the benefit of experience. When a great game came out before, its boundaries were pushed and sometimes the game even lagged as they tried to push the limit of what could be done graphically. Sometimes you’d wonder how they fit so many hours of game play on one cartridge. When I played these games when I was a kid, I wondered about how amazing it would have been without those boundaries. It’s sad to see that having these much more limitless tools at the fingertips of the designer and developer doesn’t automatically raise the bar. A crappy video game today is still a crappy video game, but it has a lot less excuses. It’s like when you’re a kid and you pee the bed and it’s not that big of a deal. Fast forward to when you’re thirty, peeing the bed is not only unacceptable, people will look at you cross eyed and ask, “What the is wrong with you!?”.

You have to understand that, yes, Jaguar wet the bed sometimes. Jaguar was the first 64-bit gaming system. It was flawed, but so is the first of anything that comes out (and I don’t just mean video game consoles either). Back then it was a lot of trial and error and working with not only new technologies, but really a new artistic medium.

People forget I have a blog

“So if you can’t handle keeping things private that have absolutely no business being public, then we’re going to have to talk.”

There was this one time, maybe around when I last posted on this blog, that someone got really upset at me for posting on my bookface account that they watched a particular TV show.

I know people can get really sensitive about what goes online, but why should anyone care if I out them as someone who has seen episodes of anything?

The post was only posted to my friends, not publicly or on here, and it didn’t include the @person_who_now_hates_me tag or anything. I did use a name, which I avoid on the blog, but it was just a common first name, which multiple people on my three hundred something person friends list have. But yes they considered that public.

Now. This is public. The name has been withheld, and I’m even withholding the name of the show in case the your name gets out.

I know how the paparazzi can be.

Question? Yes, you in the front. Was it porn? No, it wasn’t porn, but let’s just make something clear. Are there really any adults out there who haven’t seen porn? Okay, that’s true. The Amish may or may not have watched internet porn, but I bet they have flip-books or something.

It’s not a show I would show any shame watching. It’s a show I’ve watched before and admitted I enjoyed to real, live, human beings (not just my cat and potted plants). The only reason I found it even a bit noteworthy is that this same person made fun of me for watching the show once, which is a bit hypocritical. I didn’t say that in my bookface post, though. I’m saying it now, though. And I’m asking, what’s up with that? I don’t know this person to generally be a hypocrite.

“FYI, people at work see your facebook.”

Okay, so we have some mutual friends where you work. Trust me, I was just as likely to verbally tell them next time I saw them. Why? Because I didn’t know it was a secret. Because you teased me about it before, and now it was my turn to tease a little.

Maybe I should have known that you had really serious feelings about the stupid TV shows. Some teasing is just teasing, but a lot of teasing is bullying that happens when people are self-loathing and trying to feel better about themselves. It’s like you’re in the closet about a TV show, teasing those of us who have come out. Is your ego really so fragile? Is your self-esteem so low? I know you to be a person of confidence and even sometimes, when it counts, humility. So what is this really about?

This can’t really be about you defending your right to have people be silent when concerning your TV show prefrences? ..can it?

Well, unless they amend the constitution, is not a right. It’s also silly to think a person would consider that confidential information. It’s not even an overshare.

So, is this person going to get really silly angry when I post this? I don’t know. I really have no idea. I obviously don’t share their values about what is ‘okay to be public’ or ‘should be private’.

One more detail: this person reads my blog.

While I can block people on or add them to the ‘post this to everyone but so and so’ bookface group, I can’t do that here. And still here I post. I might even one day end up with a book. You can’t control who reads a book. Let’s Pretend This Never Happened was pretty inspiring. I think that she’s really lucky that the people in her life didn’t go all “you told people I watch this really silly TV show and that’s not okay” on her. Maybe they did. I hope they didn’t. It’s a great book.

Oh, one more detail. That person, bought her book. They should understand this while writing about life thing.

People should be able to tell their story. My story includes other people who I interact with.

So here we are with a blog that I stopped posting on for most of this year. It’s not a coincidence.

I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with this going forward, but I think step one is to not get upset myself. You know how I work through stuff? Writing about stupid stuff in my life on my blog. Yeah. What a person to do then when they become afraid to?

I can’t understand why this person cared. He was teased by a mutual friend, and that friend only did it because he knew it would bother him. This mutual friend also heard the hypocrisy. People tease you when they know it bothers you, but if you lived through kindergarten to twelfth grade, you should understand that principal. It’s trolling 101.

So I know this is ridiculous. So why did I let it get to me?

The problem is that I actually care about what this person thinks. I’ve tried talking to them about it, but we went in a circle. We tried again, another circle. It’s like talking religion or politics with people who have opposing viewpoints. At some point you should realize nothing you say is going to really change the other person’s mind.

I didn’t change my mind, but something else happened. I became, for once, a bit afraid to express myself in my desired medium. That’s not okay. I write. I share my writing online. It’s been part of my identity since I was posting poems to people on Compuserve and local BBS forums.

Look at this blog. Am I what you would call a private person?

I know there must be a way to simultaneously respect people who prefer to be private while continuing to be open myself, but I felt like I was already doing that.

I’m not going to stop writing about myself and my experiences- even if I never posted here again. The people around me are part of my experiences. There would be no stories without you! Even if I were to try and be selfish and only post about myself, I’d still have to bring in those ‘minor characters’.

What I’m trying to say is that I do not mean any disrespect, but people either going to have to live with some degree of this…

Or they have to make sure I don’t catch then watching TV…

Or they have to say “Hey, don’t go telling anyone about how I watched this on TV. It’s super personal and private and means a lot to me.”

I know it won’t be the last person who gets upset because I wrote something about them, but I was surprised about who it was and what set them off. I’m surprised at how mean and serious it got. I was just downright confused when I was contacted at work about it.

We choose the people we associate with to a large degree. I pride myself in surrounding myself with people who are both pretty amazing and who, to some degree, get and accept me.

I don’t know how we let dumb TV shows get between us.

Changes

You all may have noticed the blog went through some changes. I have new hosting on Amazon EC2 which essentially means I’m managing my own server(s). It’s taking some time to work some things out. For instance, sql was crashing on me randomly for awhile there. You live, you learn, sometimes about swap space, and things seem to be working okay now.

My theme was very outdated and I don’t really have as much time these days to write code and pretend to be a software developer, so I used a standard one that worked well with what I already had for a design. I already pretend to be so many things, I find more and more that I have to pick and choose. Why can’t I just be master of all things? Look at Charlie Sheen after all. He’s winning, why can’t I?

These days I’m spending a bunch of time in the ceramic art studio. I stopped doing Brazilian jiu-jitsu for now, though not before I got my blue belt. I decided I couldn’t figure out a way to effectively do everything I was doing, so I was instead ineffectively doing many things. Sometimes you have to step back and take stock of priorities. Yes, even things that you love and find important have to move down that list sometimes. If there are too many that take too much time, some may even have to drop off. It doesn’t mean they can’t ever go back on… It also doesn’t mean that you find everything on that list described as “things you love AND find important”. We all wish we could do what we love all the time, and I have great respect for the people who do this or even try to. Maybe I’ll get there some day, but right now, I’m not quite there.

But mostly, it’s going well. Life is a work in progress, and I can at least look back and see that it at least appears that I’m getting somewhere.

Hopefully I’ll start properly posting again. For those of you that realize this migration was a smaller time frame and excuse to not be posting, maybe I’ll even post on that subject. However, for now, I need to do that sleep thing. Yes, it’s one of those important things that is a priority. I even realize some people love it, but dream time has been even more intense for me lately.

So, please be gentle weird, subconscious things in my head. And goodnight, all.