Crushing Lesson

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On one of my last posts: No, I’m Still Not Dating Anyone, Thanks For Asking, one of my readership said in the comments: “…you attract people to you that will teach you lessons.”

I like this idea. It’s optimistic. It’s saying that all of the bad relationships, as much as I feel like they broke me down, were maybe really allowing me to build myself back up into something stronger.

The opposite is probably also true: that we are drawn to people that have something to teach us. What is it that draws you to a person and why? Those answers might be more important than ever pursuing an actual relationship. I’d like to think there is some actual purpose to crush.

Crushes fade in as you meet someone and fade out often as you get to know a person. I’m sure some of these things that make up the small obsessions we call crushes are just intangible whims, shallow attraction, or simply pheromones, but some of them probably have a great deal to tell us about ourselves. Even shallow attraction teaches us something the moment it goes from attraction to repulsion.

Crushes are terrible and wonderful in some very different ways than an actual relationship. They are these weird partially imagined relationships we carry out mostly in our minds, imagined moments, made up memories, and why, why not, and what if? Those are fine and good to an extent, but I can become concerned at the barriers they put up, real and imagined. There’s a line I can cross when I start to get to know and like someone. Interaction suddenly goes from easy conversation and laughter to strained, worried, calculated longing. It swings back and forth like a pendulum that I’m trying to stop somehow even though I’m on top of it.

I wonder if I ruin the potential relationships and friendships sometimes in the actions of a crush. I know I’m not the only one who becomes dumber, flakier, less confident, and not so good with words all the sudden. I wish I could get over the crush so I could get on with a friendship, get to know a person better, and move on if there is nothing really there (which there likely isn’t anyways). It’s easier said than done.

This post’s screen shot is brought to you by Final Fantasy VI, Game Boy Advanced version. My name twin is being hit on by Setzer after being kidnapped and thrown into a room on his airship. What a romantic!

  • SteveJ

    “What is it that draws you to a person and why? Those answers might be more important than ever pursuing an actual relationship”

    Absolutely. Let’s face it, you will only have a small number of friends or lovers that you maintain a relationship for decades. You’re stuck with you forever. I think romantic relationships have the potential for the most explosive personal growth, but regular friendships apply too. I had lots of good pals in high school that I really don’t keep track of. At the time they were my friends, but now even that term has evolved in my mind. As my interests/relationships/self-awareness changed, so did my definition of what a friend was. What were once friends are now drinking buddies, or the like. I was greatly concerned with scoring the next beer in high school, so that’s the folks I hung out with. Now it’s not a high priority, so I moved on to other factors that draw me to people, like reliability, intelligence, etc.

  • Without a doubt we are attracted to those we perceive (consciously or subconsciously) put us at risk from our greatest fears.

    You might love or come to love all manner of people that don’t put you at such risk. But they are less attractive, significantly so, if they don’t.

  • I’ve never looked at it from that angle before. I get little mini-crushes all the time. I just ignore them till they go away. Now I’m going to be thinking “Why” all the time.