Sometimes when I’m driving home I feel like I am playing live action Enduro…
…but it’s probably a good idea not to bump the cars.
All I see are the pairs of red lights going by.
Driving on autopilot, finally home, and it’s time to go again.
Sometimes you forget the basics when a problem seems huge and you get stressed.
Communication is very basic. Even if you’re afraid of what the other might say, even if you think you’ve talked about it before, bring it up. Thinking about what and how you want to say things beforehand is great, but don’t make any big decisions on what will come out of the conversation beforehand. The idea is to have a dialogue with the person and work through things.
You may be surprised at what the other person has to say.
For example, I thought I was clear that the boy was sure we would never be exclusive or be in a relationship. What I didn’t realize is that it’s more that he’s sure it can’t happen right now, but there are possibilities. He feels that more now. He feels that recently we’ve gotten closer.
I didn’t understand his point of view, and maybe I still don’t even after hearing him describe it- a sort of all or nothing. I look at relationships as the next step to being closer, but not a huge commitment. It could mean we’re together for a week, a month, longer, who knows? On the flip side, he thinks that he has to be sure of things to even think of going there. I clarified that I wasn’t talking about marriage.
I asked him about seeing other people and why he thought seeing people was important. He told me a long story about learning about all kinds of people, social interactions, and experiencing a variety of life. I told him he sounded like a fortune cookie- adding ‘in bed’ to after everything. I think you can do all of this while interacting with people without dating. For him, not being tied to a single person and working on his ability to socially interact is part of his self-improvement regiment.
I also think that you lose something in interacting with a person if you’re never willing to take things to the next level and have a relationship. He thinks he’s broadening his understanding of human interaction, where I think he is really limiting it in a different way.
Just because you discuss and communicate something doesn’t mean you’ll agree or understand.
What I’m starting to wonder is where he even has time or opportunity to see other people, or if he has the real desire. I also wonder if this works for him just because he knows I’m not seeing someone else and doesn’t think interested in seeing someone else. I have a low jealousy content, but even this has the potential to get to me. What about him?
I started meeting his friends lately, guys mostly. It got me wondering about how much we don’t have defined in this area. It got me thinking about what ifs and situations that could try to arise. Can I assume that certain things are off limits?
This goes back to the communication thing. It’s another conversation we probably should have, even if it’s not something I’m likely to test with the way I am. I actually like knowing boundaries, being able to rely on an agreement. I also would hope it’s a conversation he would have with his friends. Different people can have very different takes on these gray areas- from a recent conversation with someone:
“I dislike terms. They restrict relationships. You are what you are. Relationships flex back and forth in different stages.”
Some people apparently think I shouldn’t be making an assumption here about things being off limits since things are undefined. Alls fair in love and war? I don’t like the sounds of this. I hate drama.
With that sort of attitude existing, neither me nor the boy should be assuming anything here I guess. Communication is a good thing- and not just between us, but those around us.
These fine lines when there are no lines…
Can you steal something that isn’t yours?
(from May 7th)
Even though I’m technically not in an actual really real relationship with this guy, I’m still seeing him multiple times a week and being extremely involved in his life, and his mine. I’m starting to feel like it looks like a relationship, smells like a relationship, feels like a relationship, and even quacks like a relationship except it’s technically not officially a relationship.
Oh, the blurring of boundaries when we become involved- and decided to stop just before the point of deciding precisely what this is… Welcome to the gray areas, the neutral zone, and other uncharted waters…
Is is like when I tell customers that something isn’t supported, but it will work? Well, then who cares? It’s a label that doesn’t effect anything. It’s untested, but it works. Okay.
Is it more like when you’re told, “Oh, yeah, the cheap one works just as well,” which sometimes it doesn’t? Often times you end up losing and paying for it twice because it didn’t work.
Is this actually like Santa Clause, when you believe something even though deep down you know it’s not true. If you want it enough maybe it will make it true, but one day you realize you need to grow up and quit fooling yourself?
Is this just a bad time for a half-baked comparison?
So today we were supposed to have an “us” night and he decided he needed a “him” night to explore the question of self improvement. Specifically he wanted time to explore his inability to commit to things, him being a hermit and withdrawing rather than dealing, having a hard time figuring out what it is he really actually wants exactly, and being a sheep to his parents, society, and other forces trying to control him. So, am I the only one that thinks exploring one’s withdrawal from people is best done by canceling plans with people is incredibly funny and sad? Explore lack of commitment by breaking commitment is classic. Then, let’s turn around and say “But I really do want to see you!” and while contemplating what you actually want. Well apparently it’s not seeing me, because if it is… well… can I get a fail? If I totally wasn’t the person involved in the joke, this would be hilarious.
His big success tonight I guess was not being a sheep to me… oh, wait, I’m not trying to control him. Remember my pathetically small push for girlfriend status a few posts back? My big hard line was asking him if he thought we’d be able to maybe one day see each other exclusively, him saying no, and me saying, “Well, that sucks but okay.” Way to represent!
Do I need a night of contemplating why I’m such a sheep to certain attractive men with commitment issues?
I regress as this is really not normal for thoughts concerning the boy. Last weekend was amazing and it would take me pages to detail the amount of life I got out of a couple days with him. That’s why I’m still being patient with this. He still makes me happy when we’re together. I need to be careful and watch for the day when he makes more more anxious and the happiness begins to fray. The final option at reasonable signs outweighs waiting for the inevitable to trickle like water torture.
Normally I wouldn’t have this kind of hard line opinion, but we’re not actually in a relationship after all.
The reason he stated for not wanting to be in an actual relationship, besides just not being into me enough (these signals are so mixed, Batman is responding to calls to the Ghost Busters), is that he felt like he had not improved himself enough to be in a relationship.
I’m all for self-improvement, but I think a huge point I’ve been making right along is that life is for living and you don’t improve anything by putting living on hold. Introspection is key, but withdrawing completely from life is useless, pointless, and fruitless. I’ve done enough of it to be somewhat of an expert, and yes, small jaunts down the lane of spending a day playing a silly, pointless video game or laying in bed reading a book are great. Contemplating your situation is healthy. If you do this day in and day out to the point where it interferes with what’s really important or actually doing things, that is a big problem.
If you find yourself with this problem, don’t combat it by staying home and thinking about it. It’s like treating a wound by picking at it rather than slapping on a band-aid and letting it heal while moving on and doing other things.
The positive thing for me here is that though I got a little upset and am ranting a little, I’m handling this little rejection with little worse than a frowning emoticon, this blog post, and pointing out the illogic to him.
I mean, I could be spending tonight along side him as if I was in a relationship with him, helping him deal with his demons. Instead I’m going to go home and take care of me.
A part of me certainly wants to be along side him, but keeping this distance is probably good for my sanity.
Entering the Neutral Zone! Go to yellow alert.
The bigger, looming question of how far and how long I let this go on in this nebulous gray area is still there, but I’m not going to sit at home and pick at it.
I check in with myself from time to time, but not enough to keep myself from making a move forward. I’m going to go on with living.
Geek Guy 1: “Why does he want to talk to me about Linux?”
Geek Guy 2: “Oh well you know, you practically invented Linux.”
Geek Guy 1: “Yeah, me and Linus together. We’re buds. We even kiss on occasion.”
Geek Girl: “Wow. That’s kinda hot.”
Geek Guys: “…”
“I was watching Star Trek Voyager last night. I got to the part where Kess dies and 7 of 9 joins the crew.”
“Oh, the life support system for breasts.”
“What?”
“Well, that’s what she is on that show basically: a life support system for breasts.”
“That’s terrible, horrible, and also very true! …more true, her breasts are the life support systems for the rest of the show.”
Situation: 7 of Wands Reversed – Misgivings about an outcome of something recent which is making you perplexed and anxious. Someone’s hesitation has caused a loss.
Background: Page of Pentacles – Bad news, illogical thinking, and wasting what has been gained
Myself: The Lovers – Partnership in love and trust, perfection in communication, honor and romance, beauty, and a couple who can work together to overcome trials.
Influences/Surroundings (Him): 4 of Swords – Someone who is resting in seclusion and meditating
Conclusion: 2 of Swords – Balance in a dangerous, precarious spot. There is a possibility of problems ahead and a difficult decision. I have to chose between the lesser of two evils, but have the knowledge and ability to balance and make the best of the situation.
Since I got this tarot deck from my best friend at my fifteenth birthday party, from the first reading everything was accurate. Since then I’ve found that accuracy doesn’t always mean helpful and insightful. Times like these I’m told mostly what I already know. The ability to focus on a situation and see clearly what is ahead doesn’t always make the road less rocky, windy, or dangerous. A sign that says caution doesn’t necessarily make having caution any easier.
None of the cards that came up surprised me in the least. The two of swords is worrisome because it confirms that things are as dangerous as I’m worried they are, yet comforting since it’s a card of strength. It says, I can make it and come out of this as strong if not stronger.
Barriers are not the answer here. Sometimes blocking off someone is necessary, but it always comes at a great price. Every time I close off my heart, it’s more difficult to open up and trust.
When two people are set in their positions there is a stalemate. To break it, we must come out from behind our swords and see each other’s sides. I feel like this has been done, and we must stay open if we are to find peace and wholeness.
I can do this. The instinct I have is to struggle to keep my feelings under control, but instead I shouldn’t be afraid to feel and live as long as I keep my eyes open and face facts.
Life is for living.