Daily Archives: April 22, 2009

Blogging

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I know, a blog post about blogging is kind of the saddest of the sad as far as topics go at a glance.

Yet, I have a specific topic I want to bring up. I’ve had this blog for a couple years now. I have no problems posting about the people in my life (as long as I don’t reveal their name). I have no problems with the people I know reading it. It’s actually created some cool dialogues with people. I’m not ashamed of anything I put on here.

The thing I want to bring up actually has nothing to do with my blog. It has more to do with the fact I found someone else’s personal blog- the person who I’m dating. I know the handle he uses in video games and the like, so I google searched it with a few key words, a few sites clicked, and there it was.

Maybe about three quarters of the way through reading all of the posts I start to feel guilty. Is it right for me to be reading this stuff? It’s on the internet, sure, but he didn’t give me the link or anything. Then I start to think maybe he’ll be upset when I tell him I found it (I mean, was I supposed to?).

The posts end a short time after we meet- so there’s nothing too recent. It was on the internet, so it’s not like rifling through someones’ sock drawer, but I wonder if he’ll take it that way..?

Update:

So, surprise, I told the boy I found his blog. I was worried he’d be weirded out by the fact I googled his handle, or worse, would view it as an invasion of privacy.

What I didn’t expect is for him to initially be defensive, as if he was expecting me to go after him for the content.

I don’t expect him to apologize for his honest journaling about his journey to self-improvement. ::looks around the blog:: I mean, after all… I think he expected me to find issue with some of the content of his self-improvement regiment which included learning to talk to, pick up, and date women. I’m not going to fault him for that stuff. I’ve posted about how hard it is to communicate and connect with people and my failed attempts at breaking down those walls.

…as well as posting about me avoiding dating all together like the bubonic plague. We all deal with bad breakups in our own way. I’m not embarrassed or regretful about anything I’ve posted, I would be a hypocrite to try to make him feel that way.

I don’t know what this door I’ve opened means. I’m not going to grill him on anything, but I do have questions. There’s a lot of terminology he uses specific to this ‘learning-to-get-women’ class/group he was in. My instinct is to be, “Damn, was that used on me?” But then, he met me at jiu-jitsu- sweaty, nasty, with a thick cotton gi hiding my curves. So, no, I don’t think I was picked up all text-book style. I wasn’t part of some class experiment… I don’t think at least. Even if I initially was, we get on well. What does it matter? It’s just kind of weird to read about it from the other side.

Another funny thing- he mentioned he was using tarot card reading as a romantic ice-breaking sort of thing. Guess what I brought over his house my first time over? Yeah, I brought my tarot cards. I bet he wasn’t expecting those tables to be turned. Ha.

This whole thing brings up a lot of points for me- that we still have a lot to learn about each other, and strangely (after reading) we have a lot more in common than maybe we know yet. It looks like we were going through some of the same bad times and started turning our lives around in a similar time frame, only to meet after we’d started to get our respective shit together.

Joining jiu-jitsu was part of our self-improvement/goals regiment- separately, but there we met.

Life and its sense of humor know no ends.

And speaking of turning tables, my blog is easy enough to find.

Forward Momentum

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Yes, I think about them: the caveats, pitfalls, and fears I’ve followed down the hole before. Hindsight is so much better. With it I can see the course that will lead me away from falling, but if I fail to do anything now then I miss the chance to move forward. Hindsight is only so useful.

Would I know that I was moving backwards until it was too late? I don’t know that I have a sense of my momentum, but I think that I’m moving forward. I feel wind passing by me, the air crisp, and my head clear.

Being with someone again has been great, but I am a little bit leery of this limbo that I stop and see myself in sometimes. Freeze frame, I worry and wonder if I am making the same mistakes, falling into old patterns. I have no evidence, by I am constantly, acutely aware of the past.

I’m also not used to ‘seeing’ people. The way it has always been for me: either I’m in a relationship or I’m not. I don’t know if I’m entirely comfortable here, but I also know that the self-improvement thing is about taking risks, going outside of your comfort zone, and goddamn trying. Everything tells me this is a healthy thing, to force me to learn not to rush into things.

I don’t ever want to get stuck and hung up on a person to the point of potentially losing myself. I’ve done it before. It’s been a long time since I’ve even approached a relationship, it’s been a long time since this has happened, but I’m always aware it has. As much as I’ve grown, that person who made those mistakes in the past was me, and I have to work not to make any repeat performances.

But this is already so different, will I really repeat myself that considered? What happens if I get hung up anyways in spite of myself?

At first he scared me, and now I scare me. That’s a pattern I know and I’m scrubbing it with steel wool, but who knows if the stain will come out. Why am I scared- because I like him. I like him a lot.

I’m not saying I want to be with someone I don’t like, but I’m very scared of liking someone too much. I’m afraid that one day I’m going to be used to being with him, and he suddenly will have moved on to someone else. Irrationally, I think that labeling our relationship differently (going from seeing each other to full blown relationship) will allay these fears and make them an impossibility. I know that is stupid.

So if I call this something different, is that supposed to make my hold on him tighter?

And why would I want it to be tighter? It would be tighter around me too. I like not feeling too relied on, or relying too much. It’s so much more healthy than what I’m used to. My sense of self is strong and I am on my two feet relying on just that. He is also strong, not leaning on me in any way, threatening to take me down wherever he may go.

Is this simple jealousy maybe? I don’t like the idea of him potentially seeing other people, but I constantly remind myself of the idea… not to torture myself, but to stay used to the idea. I might still want him around and he might be gone (or with someone else). That will hurt regardless, but it will hurt more if I believe it can’t happen.

Is it the idea of him being with someone else, or is it him not being with me? The fact that I’m okay with the situation tells me it’s the latter. I don’t want another girl he’s seeing to take him away from me. I don’t want to lose what I have gained.

What I need to realize that what I have gained are experiences of being with him in a positive way. People go away. I hate those facts, fickle natures and the that things end. But, they do end. People move on, including me.

I keep telling myself so I stay used to the idea of him not being around. Maybe that’s pessimistic, but pinching myself is allowing me not to get lost in a romantic dream.

I am likely making an illusion of control. He makes me happy, and to have a degree of happiness taken away, one needs to find new happiness all over again or get used to it being gone. It’s not always easy to find again. Absence can be felt strongly regardless if you were told it would come.

I hate relying on others. People suck. I hate trusting.

And that’s what it boils down to- I trust him and I don’t want to trust anyone but me. I know I’m trustworthy. I always pull through in the end.

Maybe the answer is to see even more guys, but I’m not exactly interested. Oh, sure, there are guys I flirt with, impossible people who would never put forward a foot to walk along side me. I honestly wasn’t looking to see him when it happened; he fell out of the sky.

Maybe I’m a misanthrope, because when I seriously consider the idea all I can think about is how disgusting men are (women too in all fairness, people in general, but I’m not romantically involved with women, so I say men). I could pick up guys, but I don’t actually want them. Would most men respect me for me or just want to get me in bed? I like sex as much as the next person, but I am the type of person that doesn’t need it from other people. The things I seek: actual care and respect, these things are much harder to find.

So, where the hell did he come from and how did I let him in? I’m still just asking that basic question. I wasn’t looking, but there he was. I want to hold on tight, and I want to run away. This is scary stuff.

So here I am, trying to take slow the speeding train that time and time again is how my head handles things. Slow down. Smell the flowers. Keep your base so you don’t get swept off your feet.

I am learning, even if it is at my own pace. And even with those worries below the surface, I can still make out my face staring resolutely towards my goals. I am more than okay, and this is way more that okay. It’s just my nature to worry, analyze, question, and try to anticipate any chance of a wrong foot forward. I should try not to focus on it. If I do, I might accidentally allow it to stifle the steps I take towards something new and wonderful.

Here’s to something new and wonderful- and stop worrying about it already! Life happens, and will continue regardless. Change is scary. Have the courage to face forward!